Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…