familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.