[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Just me?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?