Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Oh yeh? Explain this then
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.