I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!