Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Google assistant rules
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Seek kebab; not attention
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
kitchen magnet
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.