@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

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@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@XplodingUnicorn

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

@OllyiConic

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

@notmythirdrodeo

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

@DevilryFun

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@lmwortho

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

@john_self

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

@whimsik_l

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.