@Brentweets Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
@SuMacDan Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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@Brentweets 
@XplodingUnicorn I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
@OllyiConic ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
@SortaBad After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
@notmythirdrodeo [opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
@DevilryFun There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
@TheAlexNevil All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
@lmwortho I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
@john_self Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
@whimsik_l I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.