Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*