I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I’m not stressed
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.