I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
How I’d get arrested…
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:![]()
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
What flavor cupcake are these
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.