drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Why soy sad?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
2023 was just a warmup
My favorite female superhero
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”