“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
It’s a gift
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.