I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
thank god
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
A wise man once said nothing.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets