I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.