Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My neck my back my allergy attack
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.