This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security