Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.