Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.