Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*