“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
You Might Also Like
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap