@DanMentos

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

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@SwissArmyWife00

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@alisontheread

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@Shade510

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.