Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
wait did u say 912?
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
my neighbor got stabbed
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.