Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.


Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.


Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.


People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?


if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears


Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?


When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.


Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.