Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
You Might Also Like
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
A ghost story
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Noted.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that