My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
when there are deer in the woods
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Canada has crack?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
everyone has that one prude friend