The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
You Might Also Like
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
You have been warned.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men