I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.