i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You Might Also Like
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
yes… yes…
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking