Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Swedish for common sense.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.