You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
SPLOOT
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?