Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
me hooking up with my ex
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.