Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

This guy’s not having it 😆

yeet

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…