Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

I know this now 😂

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.