Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.