Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit