Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.