My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.