me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
You Might Also Like
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.