I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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Mmmm. Shoeshi
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The internet is full of many things
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself