No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
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I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Called it
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
it must be school picture day
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.