We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.