Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Nomnomnomnom
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
What is going on? 😅