Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.