Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My work here is don’t.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss