If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Put this video in the Louvre
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*