Put this video in the Louvre
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.