23. the denim jacket
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Brother?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?