I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
…..pretty much.
How funny!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.