A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.