A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??