half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.