My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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Damn he played himself
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
congratulations to them
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink