I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.