@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

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@HenpeckedHal

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

@UncleDuke1969

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

@tastefactory

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@GoldenSpirals

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

@YourMomsucksTho

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song