Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If only
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one