Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.