Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.


“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever


My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.


Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?


I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it


If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.


If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.