@Cheeseboy22

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

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@TaffMet

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

@10InchesPlus

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

@junejuly12

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

@LuckyToken7

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

@abbycohenwl

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

@redunkadonk

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.