I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Twitter fine art
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal