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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet