me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.