The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude